The Boy from Minnesota
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Devon & Cornwall Police letter Of Complaint
Devon & Cornwall Police letter Of Complaint
(This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry
member of the public - lengthy but brilliantly written.....)
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police s
tation to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-
mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message o
n to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I t
hink you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys
Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game that involves kicking a footba
ll against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth
shattering CLANG! that rings throughout the entire building. This game is
now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I ha
ve no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dum
ped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting abo
ut a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited atten
tion to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side, between the two
bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off,
then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend th
em the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assur
ances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with! Why not
leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there a
re no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a
three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no othe
r purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwba
cks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start bef
ore coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????
Dear Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered
in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ????
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhi
rter for inclusion in his next 'Guinness Records' book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat
officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?In the five or
so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.Do you h
ide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang its
elf?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one
with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you will be headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care
and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using
words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw * ts that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further, please feel free to
contact me on Tel: *********** If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
Mr ?????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't
work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
(This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry
member of the public - lengthy but brilliantly written.....)
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police s
tation to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-
mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message o
n to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I t
hink you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys
Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game that involves kicking a footba
ll against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth
shattering CLANG! that rings throughout the entire building. This game is
now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I ha
ve no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dum
ped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting abo
ut a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited atten
tion to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side, between the two
bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off,
then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend th
em the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assur
ances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with! Why not
leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there a
re no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a
three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no othe
r purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwba
cks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start bef
ore coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????
Dear Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered
in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ????
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhi
rter for inclusion in his next 'Guinness Records' book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat
officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?In the five or
so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.Do you h
ide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang its
elf?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one
with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you will be headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care
and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using
words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw * ts that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further, please feel free to
contact me on Tel: *********** If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
Mr ?????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't
work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I have many-a-tale of poo
I have many-a-tale of poo
1) While on holiday in america I was on the bus with me sister who was 17 at the time. She leans over to me and says 'Tom I think I just followed through'. Now this might not have been so bad had it not been for the fact she was wearing a thong.
2) My sister used to sleepwalk alot when she was younger and once, she went into my mum and dads room, dropped her pyjama bottoms, did a big diarrohea poo on my dads new jeans which were on a stool and then proceeded to comb her hair while looking in the mirror.
3) My mate works at a local Matalan store and went to tidy the changing rooms but to discover someone had decided to use one cubicle and toilet and proceeded to do a massive sloppy poo in the corner of it.
More to come.
1) While on holiday in america I was on the bus with me sister who was 17 at the time. She leans over to me and says 'Tom I think I just followed through'. Now this might not have been so bad had it not been for the fact she was wearing a thong.
2) My sister used to sleepwalk alot when she was younger and once, she went into my mum and dads room, dropped her pyjama bottoms, did a big diarrohea poo on my dads new jeans which were on a stool and then proceeded to comb her hair while looking in the mirror.
3) My mate works at a local Matalan store and went to tidy the changing rooms but to discover someone had decided to use one cubicle and toilet and proceeded to do a massive sloppy poo in the corner of it.
More to come.
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